October 15 is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day
(Includes those who suffered a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth, or the loss of an infant)
♥ Please take a moment today to remember those who hold their babies in their hearts and not their arms.
Anger, Frustration, Confusion, Fear, Grief are all feelings I have dealt with in the past 6 months.
The loss of a pregnancy is never easy. The loss of 2 pregnancies in 6 months is painful.
After 14 years together Dan and I began TTC (trying to conceive) in April.
We found out we were pregnant on May 16th. We were thrilled.
I calculated that I was 5 weeks pregnant and we scheduled our 1st ultrasound for June 1st when I'd be 7 weeks and 2 days. I remember June 1st like it was yesterday. I was both nervous and excited. As the ultrasound was being performed I remember the nurse's facial expression. She wasn't smiling like she had been just a few minutes before. She was looking really closely at the monitor and I could tell something was wrong. She didn't like what she was seeing or rather what she was not seeing. Our baby had no heartbeat. I can still hear the words, "Oh I'm so sorry, but I don't see a heartbeat". We were shocked, then the tears came. What? This isn't supposed to happen. No pregnant woman goes in thinking the worst the first time she finds out she is pregnant. Logically, I understood what happened, but Emotionally it was unbelievably hard. 1 in 3 pregnancies end with a miscarriage. It's nature's way of saying there was something wrong with the baby.
Dan was about to start filming and couldn't be there with me. Going through it alone was hard. My mom offered to be here with me, but I just wanted my husband. I kept going back & forth on whether or not I wanted to let the miscarriage happen naturally or take the medication (cytotec). I wanted to know exactly when it was going to happen so on Friday night I decided to take the cytotec, half a vicodin and I went to bed. Two hours later I woke up in some major pain. The pain was nothing I had ever felt before. I had pain in my back and in my stomach. I couldn't get comfortable, the vicodin made me nauseous. I slept for maybe a total of 4 hours that night. It was the worst night and Dan not being here made it difficult.
Thankfully my mom came by Saturday morning and took care of the kids. So grateful for my mom. That day I had a lot of cramps and my back ached, but overall I was feeling a whole lot better.
Physically, the worst part was behind me. I had cramps here and there, but nothing nearly as bad as the night before.
Emotionally, it took me a long time to deal with everything. I had my moments. It sucked. I would watch a show about pregnancy and I would cry or if I saw someone getting an u/s I would remember being in the office and getting the worst news and I would break down. I would see pregnant ladies and begin to tear up, but was able to hold it together when I was in public. I would try to avoid all pictures of friends on Facebook who were pregnant. I was happy for them, but at the same time I just couldn't see the pictures. It was too soon. I didn't want it to feel that way. I think about what it was like being pregnant for that short time and how quickly it can be taken from you. All the hopes and dreams are gone in an instant. I had hoped that this was the only miscarriage I would go through, but unfortunately it happened again.
On October 3rd we found out we were pregnant again. I calculated that I was 4 weeks and 2 days. We were so excited.
3 days later I started spotting and then bleeding. I tried not to freak out, but having gone through a loss you can't help but worry. I think this pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy. Thinking back I should not have tested early and should have waited to test until after my period had been late, but I did test early and it read PREGNANT so I still went through some pain and crying. I'm doing okay. I think by going through it the 1st time helped me this time... as weird as that may sound. I was kind of expecting the worst, while hoping for the best. We've only been trying since April so I keep telling myself to relax and see that we are lucky to have conceived twice in 6 months. But still...it doesn't make it easy.
Questions flood my mind with why this happens and whether we will be able to have a baby of our own. I want nothing more than to have a baby with Dan, but for some reason we are unable to have a baby of our own we will happily adopt.
I know that it's going to take some time to heal. I look forward to the day when we can start TTC again and next time I will do my best not to test early.
There are women out there aren't able to conceive a child of their own or who go through several more miscarriages than I have. There are women/families out there who have had to bury there newborns/infants. My thoughts are with them today.
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