Tired

I'm tired. This mommy business has been rough the past few days. I know, I know. This too shall pass, but it's hard to see that when you are in the thick of it. It's like a 9-month test, a test that measures if I'm really cut out for this. She consumes all of my time. I'm a stay-at-home mama. This is my job. But this is a job where I don't get to clock out, I don't get to leave. I feel like I'm doing most of the work. Is that normal? Is that a mom's role? Sure Dan helps out the best he can, but this kid only wants me and it drives me crazy sometimes. She looks for me when I step away, while in her dad's arms she stares at me until I acknowledge her, I'm the only one who can do bed time.

After a night of my kid not wanting to fall asleep until11:30 p.m., a failed attempt at CIO and then her waking at 6:00 a.m. and screaming her head off when I went to put her back in her crib, then trying to sleep on the glider with a very active sleeping infant I woke up this morning with the thought of wanting to run away. I must have hit that point that many parents do.

It's not just her. It's everything.

I'm tired of having a high-needs baby who only wants me all.the.time.
I'm tired of sleepless nights.
I'm tired of my unorganized home.
I'm tired of three-story living.
I'm tired of my husband's starving artist career.
I'm tired of the messy garage.
I'm tired of having a sore back and sore knees.
I'm tired of carrying a 21 lb. baby.
I'm tired of having to care for 2 geriatric dogs.
I'm tired of naps being taken in my arms.
I'm tired of not being able to clean house because naps are taken in my arms.
I'm tired of being the only one capable of cleaning the house.
I'm tired of only having 1 car.
I'm tired of having an unfinished nursery.
I'm tired of said nursery being in the open loft.
I'm tired of in-laws.
I'm tired of not having any "me" time.
I'm tired of rushing through showers.
I'm tired of not being able to fix my hair.
I'm tired of always having to entertain my child.
I'm tired of being a parent.
I'm tired of the responsibility.
I'm tired of having someone depend on me.
I'm just tired.

After a quick breakfast & potty break, I was able to see past the rough days/nights and smile at and laugh with my daughter. I know I'll have these moments. I know it's normal. It sucks to feel all of this, but it feels good to get it all out too. It's hard not letting the little things get to me.

I'm always telling mommies to be sure to take time for themselves. It looks like I need to take my own advice. And maybe I won't run away just yet, but I just might have to rethink having another. ;-)

Letter to Olive

Dear Olive,

You're now 5 months old. It's hard to believe there was a time that you weren't here. I knew I would love you, my sweet girl, but I never thought I would love you as much as I do. You are an amazing baby.  This time of your life has been so wonderful for your Papa and I. You continue to bring such laughter and joy to our lives. I so wish I could bottle up this precious time with you and keep it with me forever.

Your sweet open mouth kisses are the best.  Sometimes you grab my face and plant a big one on me. And I love it!  :)
One of my favorite things right now is the way you lie back on me and we gaze into each other's eyes as I stroke your hair.
One of your favorite things to do right now is put your hands in our mouths.  It makes you smile.  I think you want to know where all of that food we eat goes.  :)
 
Your laughter is simply amazing as is your voice and I can't get enough of either.  I could hear your voice and laughter and be happy for the rest of my life.

I just love your gummy smile.  I know it won't be long until I see your first tooth/teeth and it's just another reminder that my little girl is growing up.

I never thought I'd be one of those mamas who would miss breast feeding, but I think I just might miss this special time we have together.  I love the way you look up at me and smile while I'm nursing you.  I have to watch myself because if I smile too big you will start giggling. :) I love the way you clasp your hands together. I love the way you throw your foot up and rest it on my boob.  I love the way you stroke my skin.
It makes me giggle and I'll miss how you sometimes grab my bra strap and treat it like a  slingshot.  :D  I love the way your toes grip the glider.  I love the way you rub your foot against your leg to soothe yourself.

Although I know I will miss this time in your life I just have to remember that there will be more precious and fun times ahead.

When you're 8, 10, 13, 16 etc. you will probably see me looking at pictures and watching videos of you while tearing up and you will think I'm crazy.  I'm just a mommy who loves her daughter.  My wish for you is that you get to experience something as amazing and magical as I am right now.


I love you my sweet girl,
Mama

Letter to my Olive

Dear Olive,

You are now just over 2 months old.  My have you changed.  You are talking and smiling a lot.  You recognize our voices and faces now.  I just love the sound of your voice and your beautiful, gummy smile.

Friends always said, "Enjoy this time, they grow up so fast".  I had no idea how true this was until a few days ago.  The first month and a half was really tough with growth spurts, inconsolable crying, wanting to be held constantly and little sleep.  I wanted nothing more than for you to just grow up and get to the "fun" stage of walking, talking and playing.  And now as I watch you grow before my eyes I kind of want to stop time and have you stay this age for a little while longer.  You are so innocent.  Your only needs are to be loved, held, fed and changed.  I'm the only one that can console you when you are upset.  You're my sweet baby girl, but you will not always be as sweet as you are at this moment.  I fear that one day you will break my heart when you yell, "I hate you!".  I hope that never happens.  Those will be the not so "fun" years, but we'll get through it.

I now cherish every single moment you are awake (except when you don't want to go to sleep and it's 11 pm).  I take a lot of pictures and videos because we'll never get this time back and I want to be able to look back and see just how precious this time was for us.

Having you here is the "fun" part.  And although I get a little emotional thinking how all of this will be gone one day I know there are many more amazing days with you to come!

I love you sweet girl.

Mama

First Date Day

Thanks to my wonderful mama, Dan and I enjoyed our first of what I hope will be many date days.  

I missed her the moment we pulled out of the driveway, but I knew she was in great hands.

Olive somehow always ends up in our conversations now...and I love that.  :)

We enjoyed lunch and a movie.

We had delicious sushi and I didn't have to swallow my food, I got to savor every bite.Yum.

We went to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Great action movie. It was also nice to feel my milk let down midway through the movie.  Thank goodness for manual breast pumps.  :D  Don't worry, I pumped in the restroom.  

My mom was able to get Olive to nap in her swing for a good 45 minutes. WTH? She never naps that long for us.  I'm lucky if I get 15 minutes.

The 4 hours away from Liv was a bit hard, but was just what we needed.  We always have to remember to put each other first.  

Thanks again Mama. <3

Now when are you available again?  ;)

Olive's First Thanksgiving

You can tell how busy Miss Liv as been keeping me seeing as I'm just now blogging about Thanksgiving.

Dan, Olive and I enjoyed a low key Thanksgiving with a wonderful meal. My parents came by later in the evening for leftovers and dessert.  :)

It was very hard to help Dan with Thanksgiving lunch when Little Miss Liv wanted to be held constantly, but we managed and everything turned out great.

Can you tell I had little to no time to put on anything "nice" for Thanksgiving?  Oh well. The day was perfect.  :)

My little turkey

Growth Spurts

Holy hell.

Liv already eats about every 1.5 hours and when she goes through these growth spurts it just about does me in.

She gets super fussy and wants to eat or just be near my boob.

She hit a growth spurt at 2 and 3 weeks and then again these past couple of days at 6-7 weeks.

I'm left exhausted by the end of the day.

There are not enough arms in this house.

She wants to be held all of the time.
And she is no lightweight.  She is a whopping 12 lbs. now.  

I can't put her down in her pack & play or rock & play for more than 15 mins. before she starts crying.

She does sleep 4-6 hours at night so I'm definitely grateful for those hours of rest. Maybe I need to start eating and doing chores in the middle of the night.

It's a good thing we love her so much. :)

I dream of the days when she can go 2-3 hours between feedings.  Will that ever happen?

When Olive is not crying she is so wonderful.

She does really well in the car and we've gone to the grocery store a few times. She's great. She is starting to smile when she sees my face or hears my voice and I just love it.

In the other news, I'm back on the pill. Yippee! We CAN NOT have any unplanned babies any time soon. :)

Olive's Debut (The Birth Story)

5 weeks later I have finally found the time to write & post our birth story. It's a long story, but I want to make sure I have all of the details here so that I can one day share them with Olive. The story, told by Dan, is much better in person.

Friday night, October 21st, I began having more discharge. It was thinner than normal. I call my midwife to make sure I'm okay. She tells me it sounds normal and if I experience any bleeding to call them back.

Saturday morning, October 22nd, at around 8 a.m. my mucus plug fell out and continued to come out throughout the day.

I began to have back cramps. They felt similar to what I experience during my menstrual cycle. I would later learn that I was in early labor and these were irregular contractions. We went to Lowe's to get a few last minute things for the house before Olive arrived. Throughout the day I had been in contact with my friend Lisa about what I was experiencing. Lisa suggested we put a mattress pad down, under our sheets, just in case anything exciting happened overnight. I honestly didn't think anything would happen. I had read one can lose their mucous plug and not go into labor for weeks so I figured my body was just preparing itself and that I still had time. Well, I was wrong. We didn't have a mattress pad so I suggested we cut up some trash bags. I did some relaxation exercises on the birth ball. Around 11:30 Dan fell asleep and I began to track my contractions with an app on my phone. I didn't get any sleep. I walked around the bedroom and the hall a few times. Around 1:07 a.m. I woke up Dan and asked him to look at the app to see if he thought I was in labor or what he thought about what the app was saying. Dan is still half asleep and then I feel a pop and ask him, "Did you hear that pop?" Yes, I asked him if he heard it. I felt a gush of water flow out of me. I then said, "I think my water just broke". It was 1:08 a.m.

I had him call our midwives while I jumped in the shower. The contractions were much more intense now. I felt them in my belly now and the back labor was not letting up. Dan left a message with the answering service and we found out the midwife on call was the one we had hoped would be there when we went into labor. That was great to hear! I immediately felt a calmness come over me. All would be fine. Our midwife calls us back and we discuss laboring at home for awhile, but she wants to make sure I can feel baby girl move. At this point I am so focused on the pain I could not say for sure that I could feel her move. The midwife asks Dan to get me something sweet to drink and have me lay on my side. After drinking something sweet I should immediately feel Olive move. Well the only semi-sweet drink we had in our fridge was kefir strawberry yogurt. We never thought to just drink sugar water. I drank it, but didn't feel anything. The midwife said she didn't want to take a chance and tells us to make our way to the hospital.

On our way to the hospital Dan tries to avoid all potholes. Impossible. Damn Houston streets! He apologizes over and over again for hitting a pothole, but I just want him to get there. Luckily, the hospital is only about 8 minutes away.

We arrive at the hospital, pull into the valet area and it is dead. The valet guy comes over very slowly. He must've been dead asleep when we drove up. He opens my door and I immediately vomit. The smell of kefir still haunts us. I get out of the car and head over to the bushes to vomit some more. The valet guy is now wide awake and rushing to the car with a wheelchair. You know that 1 hospital bag? Well, we have like 4 bags including the camera bag and Dan has trouble carrying all of the bags while trying to push me in the wheelchair as I'm still vomiting into trash cans and trash bags. We get no help to the elevator or through the doors to L&D. Great. I'm thinking this is not starting out well.

We get to L&D and they immediately put us in our room. Our L&D nurse takes my stats and hooks me up to the monitors. I continued to throw up. The nurse had poor bedside manners and was no help to us. My contractions were not letting up. Our midwife arrived and she checked me. I am 8 cm dilated and 100% effaced. Hearing that I was 8 cm dilated was wonderful to hear. I was thinking, Thank god! Okay, I can do this. Then the midwife tells us that baby girl is in the occiput posterior (OP) position or posterior position, also referred to as "sunny-side up" or "face-up". This is why I had been experiencing back labor. She says, "Okay, all we have to do is wait for this baby to turn.". Easier said than done. I'm hooked up to an IV because she was afraid I would be dehydrated due to the vomiting. We started doing "runners" where you move from one side of your body to the other side and squats to try to get Olive to turn. I spent some time in the shower and Dan sprayed my back with water. I went through 5-6 hours straight of contractions without a break. My contractions were back to back. They were killer! This was the transition stage that we read about. Dan and I attempted to do some relaxation techniques that we had learned in Bradley, but with no break it was pretty useless. He was saying things to help me relax and all I wanted was for him to SHUT UP! He did play a song from his film that I absolutely love and that helped a bit.

At some point the shift changed and a new L&D nurse arrived. She brought a nursing student with her and asked if I would mind if she assisted. At that point I didn't care one bit who was in the room and allowed the nursing student to be apart of the team. They were both wonderful. They brought new energy to our room. It was just what we needed. We attempted more "runners". They had me do more squats, lean against the bed and sit on the toilet. It was really difficult to move to different positions, but I stuck with it. I was exhausted. They also had me push a little to try and turn her. Now babies can be born "sunny-side up", however, I was swollen down there and her head was not turned enough for her to come out so it made it really difficult. I asked for my mirror so that I could see my progress, but they thought that I'd be discouraged if I saw how little I had progressed. Dan informed me of this later. But they handed me my mirror while they covered the area that was swollen so I wouldn't freak out. The midwife checked me and there didn't seem to be much change. The OBGYN ("midhusband") on-call came in and Dan overheard the midwife and midhusband talking. He knew they were talking about possible surgery because they can tell I'm exhausted and don't know if I can keep going. I didn't tell them I wanted drugs or that I couldn't do it anymore, but I guess they were just going over our options with each other just in case. Dan tells them, "Look my wife is strong. If anyone can do it, it is her. Please don't give up on her.". Wow! Thanks babe! He was a wonderful Bradley coach. I'm so grateful he fought for me to continue our plan for an unmedicated, vaginal birth.

I continued laboring, midwife checks again and said it's time. Olive had turned enough that it was time for me to push. I glanced at the clock and believe it is about 8:00 a.m. Two of the best moments before Olive arrived was seeing our midwife put her surgical gown on and having the baby nurse called to come in and set-up. That meant we were close! Unfortunately, the only position that worked and allowed Olive to come out was me on my back. Go figure. I always thought pushing would be the most painful part, but it wasn't for me. It was the back labor that was torture. Pushing felt so good! And as I pushed they told me they could see Olive's head and that she had a lot of curly hair. The first thing I thought was They are not telling me about my baby's hair as I'm pushing?! And the next thing I thought was Curly Hair?. Dan was a great help at this stage too. He told me exactly when to push to make the most out of my effort. I would push at the peak of my contraction, take a tiny break, and immediately push again. The nursing student supported one of my legs, while Dan supported the other while giving me ice chips. I have them all telling me to keep it up and that Olive is almost here.

Finally, over 24 hours of labor (even though I didn't know I was in labor) and a few hours of pushing Olive made her debut on Sunday, October 23rd at 10:46 a.m.

Olive was placed on my chest and tried to nurse. I have no idea what to do, but the L&D helped me and Olive latched on. We delayed cutting the cord, we allowed it to stop pulsing. Dan was asked if he wanted to cut the cord. He declined. We gave the honor of cutting the cord to our amazing nursing student. It was the 1st delivery she had participated in.

Our midwife tells us she needs to take care of me. Dan and I look at each other and this worry comes over us, but she just had to stitch up a vaginal laceration which I understand is a normal tear. Thankfully, I did not tear my perineum.

I delivered the placenta and found out that I had a battlefield placenta. Basically, it has a big vein running through it and if my water had broken at the sight of that vein there could have been lots of blood. Thankfully, that did not happen. Dan probably would have passed out at home had that happened. They were all amazed by it and brought in a couple of doctors to take a look at it and examine it.

Our midwife was amazed that I didn't complain or ask for medication and later looked over at Dan and said, "Steel waters run deep".

What an amazing experience! I'm so happy and proud that I was able to have the birth that I had wanted. Without my strong, supportive husband and amazing L&D team I don't think I could have done it.

APGAR 1 minute-9, 5 minute-9

Olive is the symbol for peace & victory. I find it to be a very fitting name. :)

Where did my figure go?

Breast feeding is an amazing way to lose weight. :)

It has been almost 4 weeks since giving birth and I have lost all of the baby weight.

I'm most definitely happy about that.

BUT I want my figure back!!!

My legs are nice and lean now, almost too lean if I'm being honest.

But I've lost my butt. :( What the heck? No one tells you that's going to happen. The husband is also not happy about the butt being gone. :D

Did anyone else lose their ass while nursing? Will it come back?

Hopefully it'll make its return soon or at least after I finish breast feeding.

I love my curves. :)

Life is good

Our days are made up of eating, pooping, peeing, sleeping, crying.

And I'm not just talking about Olive. :)

Yes, I've shed a few tears. I know it's only normal since our lives have gone through a major change. Adjusting to our new normal is going to take some time.

Dan and I have also shared lots of laughs and smiles as our little girl grows before our eyes.

It's amazing how much she has changed in just a few weeks.

I think she is also going through a growth spurt. Yesterday and part of today she nursed non-stop. That made for an exhausting day.

This week, I have been squirted with poop and I have had projectile spit up hit my lips a few times. Fun stuff. Every day is different. There is never a dull moment when you have a child.

Olive is already holding her head up.

She hates being changed (diaper and clothes).

She hates baths.

She doesn't care for the pacifier right now.

She loves nursing.

She loves mommy's arms.

Yawning upsets her.

I just love her little cry when she is hungry.

I love the smiles she shows when she is sleeping.

I love all of her facial expressions.

I love the little head movement she makes when she is about to latch on.

Today she had a successful frenectomy/frenulectomy to correct her tongue tie.

Although our sleep schedule is not ideal right now I wouldn't change a thing.

I don't look forward to bedtime because I know I'll be up several times throughout the night, but she is worth the lack of sleep.

Every day is a new day, we start fresh and when I see her beautiful face the next morning I forget about how rough the night before was.

Life is good.

Eating Machine

My little Olive berry is an eating machine.

She has been eating every 1.5 hours lately. It's been exhausting, especially at night. There were a few nights were she slept 3, 4, 5 + hours. It was so nice. Thank goodness I didn't get to used to it because it ended quickly.

The plus side, besides her getting wonderful breast milk, is that by eating so regularly she is most definitely keeping my milk supply up. Another plus is that I've already lost 26 lbs. of the 34 lbs. I had gained. 8 more lbs. to go! Yea!

They weren't kidding when they said breast feeding will help you to shed the baby weight. :)

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

It's pretty amazing how your life can change in a year.

Last year, I had gone through 2 miscarriages and today I'm 37 weeks & 2 days along in this pregnancy.

My thoughts are with several friends who have experienced a loss. May they one day be able to experience all of the joy and happiness that pregnancy and a child brings to one's life.

Our Baby Shower

Our Baby Shower was Sunday, Sept. 25th. It was hosted by my amazing, long-time friend Kathy.

These are just a few of the pics from the wonderful day.

Thank you bags

Cake ball pops

Water bottles

My friend Greta.

Table decor

The room set-up

Our wonderful owl cupcake cake!

Decor

Kat and I have been friends since kindergarten. :)

My brother's wife and her daughters.

My cousin Mary

Decor

My dad's sisters and my cousins

Kayla (Kathy's daughter)

Dan's family (Aunt Shirley, Cousin Leah aka hairdresser, MIL, Taylor and SIL)

The Jacksons

Family friend and Auntie to Olive, Debbra

Forgot to capture a pic at the venue of me and my amazing parents so we took a quick snapshot at home. :)

Thanks to everyone who showed up that day to celebrate our little Olive!

A new normal

There is no doubt our lives will be forever changed in the next few weeks.

Our little girl will be here!

Will I even remember what life was like without her?

We will be a house of 5.

For so many years (almost 16) it's been about me and Dan.

We could come and go as we please.

And for the past 8 years (the amount of years all 5 of us have lived together) it has been all about me, Dan, Sissy and Baby Dan.

I've gotten used to having a fairly quiet house.

We love the quiet, peaceful, boring life we lead.

To be honest, I'm a bit afraid of what's to come.

That's normal, right?

And if I'm being completely honest my heart does ache a little bit every time I think about how Baby Dan and Sissy will take a backseat to little Olive. I don't want that to happen and Dan doesn't think that will happen, but it's just the reality that Olive will be our #1 priority. That doesn't mean we will love our kids any less, that's simply impossible, but will they get their one-on-one time that they've grown accustomed to? Probably not. Probably not at first anyways. It's going to take some time to adjust our lives with two 4-legged kids to 3 kids.

And I know that our little girl will bring so much love, laughter and joy to our lives.

It will be anything but quiet, peaceful, and boring from now on.

And I love that!

It will be loud, busy and different every day.

It will continue to be filled with lots of laughter and love.

And that's what's important after all.

It will be our new normal.

Update on my other 2 kids

I've been so consumed with posting about our little girl that I haven't shared any pics or updated how Sissy and Baby Dan are doing.

Simply put. They are driving us crazy.

It's like they are preparing us for having a wild house come November.

They bark way more often now. Baby Dan just barks to bark. He barks to get Sissy to move from her spot just so he can occupy it. And once he barks, she just barks and has no clue what she is barking at. When I'm upstairs working out in the a.m. and they've already been out he decides he's going to bark just to let me know he's there.

He is also having more accidents in the house. And his new thing is waking us up at all hours of the night. No joke. He'll just sit up in bed and stare at us, growl at us or make Dan get up and let him out before he'll go back to sleep. He is seriously preparing us for baby. :)

And they have become picky eaters. It's ridiculous. One day they just decided they had had it with their hard kibble and because Sissy refused to eat we introduced them to canned food (mixed in with ground kibble because if we left kibble whole they'd just eat around it and leave the the kibble behind). BIG mistake. They'd eat more, but then their stomachs were more upset. So then, we stopped giving them canned food and Dan thought maybe it'd be a good idea to grind up their kibble and mix in a little water so it's kind of like canned food. Well, they are fine with that, but then Sissy decided she doesn't want to eat out of her bowl and when she doesn't eat Dan begins to hand-feed her. Another mistake because she now always thinks she is going to be hand-fed. Ugh.

With the vet's recommendation we tried weaning Sissy down on two of her meds (she is on 4 meds), but that didn't work well so we are going to try again in a few weeks. This time we'll try weaning 1 pill at a time, instead of both at one time. It's a crazy schedule she's on right now. She gets 3 pills when she eats in the a.m., 2 pills when she eats in p.m., another pill around 9 pm and one pill she gets at 7a, 3p and 11p. 2 pills she takes with no problem and 2 pills I have to shove down her throat. Fun!

I just don't know how I'm going to keep it all straight when LO comes in November. I'm really scared. I'm already going to be getting little sleep, then I have to stay on top of Sissy's med schedule. Not looking forward to it, but someone has to do it. :-)

But we do still have our precious moments with them so I guess we'll keep 'em. ;-)

Sissy and Mama

Bubba being protective

Bubba leaning on Mama's belly.

Loving w/Mama and Baby

Bubba and Bump

Going Private

I'll be making this blog private in the coming days. If you would like an invite please let me know!

Life is not fair

Life is precious. Never take what you have for granted.

A dear friend and her husband are going through a tragic loss and my heart breaks for them.

We were pregnancy buddies.

We were appointment twins.

We chatted weekly comparing symptoms, cravings, registries, themes and just talked about how wonderful pregnancy was treating us.

Then, tragedy struck.

And now she won't be bringing her baby boy home.

I've gone through loss, but I can't even imagine the pain and heartache that my friend is going through having bonded with her baby.

Life is not fair.

I went through a bit of "survivor's guilt". I felt so bad that our baby was healthy while my friend's was not. I'm so grateful that she wants to maintain our chats and friendship, in whatever capacity and under her own time of course.

I cherish every kick I get from my baby girl because it reassures me that she is doing well and getting strong.

I cherish every ache and pain because that means I am still carrying my baby.

I cherish my growing belly and those extra pounds because it's all worth it.

Please keep my friend, her husband and baby B in your thoughts.

Years of education & no career

High school diploma

Bachelor's degree in Psychology

Master's degree in Marriage and Family Therapy

(from kinder to graduate school--a total of 20 years of schooling)

and what do I have to show for it? Not.a.damn.thing.

Well I guess I have the education and those pieces of paper that show I've accomplished something in my 31 years of life.

Frustration, Anger, Embarrassment, Guilt are just some of the feelings I'm having right now.

I'm currently unemployed and haven been for quite some time. It's nobody's fault, but my own. I have a love/hate relationship with the field I chose to get into. I find myself wondering how I got here.

My mother says she's proud of me and I wonder why. How could you be proud of me? What have I done to make you proud?

For now I've given up on the idea of having a career and I'm just looking for a J-O-B. Why am I not getting any call backs? Is it because I'm "over-qualified" or is it just because I haven't worked in a few years or is both? Ugh. Either way it sucks!

Okay. I'm done whining. Time to put my big girl panties on and continue to send my resume out. This girl was not made to be a housewife!

My love for owls

Or maybe it's an obsession. :)

My love for owls first began when I was a little girl. These owls belonged to my grandma and she saw that I loved them so much she gave them to my mom and my mom recently passed them down to me. I used to call them "grama grama" and every night before I went to bed I had to give them a kiss.

I have notepads around the house with owls on the them.

My mama bought me these cute amigurumi (the Japanese art of knitting or crocheting small stuffed animals) owls.

and this super cute photo album.

And I recently bought an owl catchall. Love it!

Now I have my own catchall. :)

This used to be Dan's grandpa's catchall. Dan now puts his wedding band around the tail. Cute huh?

I now frequent this blog and go crazy over the stuff she shares. If money were no object I would buy everything!

Saying Goodbye to 2010

2010 definitely had its highs and lows.

Some of the best parts of 2010 were Dan's first feature film being made and getting to see my girlfriends (Kirsten, Amber, Dani, Janine, Lisa and Shelby)!

I know 2011 will bring more ups than downs. :) But I'll say this, as long as I have my amazing husband by my side, great parents, 2 precious chihuahuas and wonderful girlfriends in my life every year will be fabulous.

Wishing each and every one of you a very Happy New Year!

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15 is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

(Includes those who suffered a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, a still birth, or the loss of an infant)

♥ Please take a moment today to remember those who hold their babies in their hearts and not their arms.

Anger, Frustration, Confusion, Fear, Grief are all feelings I have dealt with in the past 6 months.

The loss of a pregnancy is never easy. The loss of 2 pregnancies in 6 months is painful.

After 14 years together Dan and I began TTC (trying to conceive) in April.

We found out we were pregnant on May 16th. We were thrilled.

I calculated that I was 5 weeks pregnant and we scheduled our 1st ultrasound for June 1st when I'd be 7 weeks and 2 days. I remember June 1st like it was yesterday. I was both nervous and excited. As the ultrasound was being performed I remember the nurse's facial expression. She wasn't smiling like she had been just a few minutes before. She was looking really closely at the monitor and I could tell something was wrong. She didn't like what she was seeing or rather what she was not seeing. Our baby had no heartbeat. I can still hear the words, "Oh I'm so sorry, but I don't see a heartbeat". We were shocked, then the tears came. What? This isn't supposed to happen. No pregnant woman goes in thinking the worst the first time she finds out she is pregnant. Logically, I understood what happened, but Emotionally it was unbelievably hard. 1 in 3 pregnancies end with a miscarriage. It's nature's way of saying there was something wrong with the baby.

Dan was about to start filming and couldn't be there with me. Going through it alone was hard. My mom offered to be here with me, but I just wanted my husband. I kept going back & forth on whether or not I wanted to let the miscarriage happen naturally or take the medication (cytotec). I wanted to know exactly when it was going to happen so on Friday night I decided to take the cytotec, half a vicodin and I went to bed. Two hours later I woke up in some major pain. The pain was nothing I had ever felt before. I had pain in my back and in my stomach. I couldn't get comfortable, the vicodin made me nauseous. I slept for maybe a total of 4 hours that night. It was the worst night and Dan not being here made it difficult.

Thankfully my mom came by Saturday morning and took care of the kids. So grateful for my mom. That day I had a lot of cramps and my back ached, but overall I was feeling a whole lot better.

Physically, the worst part was behind me. I had cramps here and there, but nothing nearly as bad as the night before.

Emotionally, it took me a long time to deal with everything. I had my moments. It sucked. I would watch a show about pregnancy and I would cry or if I saw someone getting an u/s I would remember being in the office and getting the worst news and I would break down. I would see pregnant ladies and begin to tear up, but was able to hold it together when I was in public. I would try to avoid all pictures of friends on Facebook who were pregnant. I was happy for them, but at the same time I just couldn't see the pictures. It was too soon. I didn't want it to feel that way. I think about what it was like being pregnant for that short time and how quickly it can be taken from you. All the hopes and dreams are gone in an instant. I had hoped that this was the only miscarriage I would go through, but unfortunately it happened again.

On October 3rd we found out we were pregnant again. I calculated that I was 4 weeks and 2 days. We were so excited.

3 days later I started spotting and then bleeding. I tried not to freak out, but having gone through a loss you can't help but worry. I think this pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy. Thinking back I should not have tested early and should have waited to test until after my period had been late, but I did test early and it read PREGNANT so I still went through some pain and crying. I'm doing okay. I think by going through it the 1st time helped me this time... as weird as that may sound. I was kind of expecting the worst, while hoping for the best. We've only been trying since April so I keep telling myself to relax and see that we are lucky to have conceived twice in 6 months. But still...it doesn't make it easy.

Questions flood my mind with why this happens and whether we will be able to have a baby of our own. I want nothing more than to have a baby with Dan, but for some reason we are unable to have a baby of our own we will happily adopt.

I know that it's going to take some time to heal. I look forward to the day when we can start TTC again and next time I will do my best not to test early.

There are women out there aren't able to conceive a child of their own or who go through several more miscarriages than I have. There are women/families out there who have had to bury there newborns/infants. My thoughts are with them today.